Too hard. I’ve been thinking too hard that I can’t move. I’m stuck. All of it proves too overwhelming to this little brain of mine. I was born too early. I cannot keep up to the changing times. All this AI and techno stuff I can’t quite comprehend. Nor have the energy to sit down and learn the skill. That alone is quite a process, how much more using them in real time. Anything easy for the younger generation is tedious for me. Multi-tasking is a familiar struggle. I am part of the old school-slow and steady, one-step-at-a-time process for me. That, I can actually manage to remember and get to accomplish.
Too much information. Too much content out there. Which one do you choose? One click and it’s there. Funny I remembered a time when you have to go to a library to find information about something. You have to line up to copy a print out of an article that you like to keep. And it’s not for free, you pay for it per page. I guarded those copies with my life. I flipped through those pages like gold and considered myself damn lucky to have those in my clutches. Sure, you have to adjust to the times. Keep up or you’re behind.
With my pace, I am so behind. Way past redemption. Believe me, I tried. I even took up an AI 6 months course at a prestigious university to be how should I say it? “To be one of the cool guys!” Yes, I had so much faith in myself that I started to believe it. I was pretty determined. I was prepared to do the hard work, study and learned about AI. I was so wrong. Two weeks was all it took.
I’ve been a nurse all this time. What do I know about creating content, coding, and running commands. What I know about computers are from the platforms I use from the hospitals I worked with. From paper charting, to Meditech, to Epic, to Expanse. The rest of the world on Social Media, the tools out there are all part of another world. I tried to tinker with it, play with it but alas, my tiny fingers and brain are no match to what’s out there.
I am lost in all of this. I want to learn but it’s too much. When everything is too important and you don’t wanna lose any of it, that’s where I get stuck. My mind and hands freeze as a defense mechanism. That’s how I’ve been for the past two weeks. I am working on something big. Too many things calling out to me to handle and I can’t get to do even one of them. I stepped back- did a mental check. I took a breath out and let it go. All of them.
I was so close to a mental breakdown.
I stopped everything. Slowly picked myself up, went to work like I normally do, went home and did not start anything. My mind- I blanked them. I felt like a fool but I did it. I was on auto-play for awhile there. It was not the best feeling but I got through it.
I opened my laptap again. There are deadlines I have to meet. Unfinished business, letters I need to write and yes dreams I wake up to. I still don’t have the skills, the knowledge, maybe I will never have what it takes. But I can only be me. I will learn at my own pace and still be great. I will make it in my own way.
That’s my cup of tea for today.