The heart hears what the words can’t say.
Too many times we succumb to silence when things get uncomfortable. We think it’s safer to not say anything when things don’t go your way. If you don’t say it, it didn’t happen. Better to keep your mouth shut than suffer the scorn of others. I lived that way for many years. Silence was my answer to everything- when I was happy, when I was sad and mostly, when I was down at my loneliest.
I did not know.
There were so many things I did not know. When I was thirteen I lost my mother unexpectedly. I was the youngest among us five. The pain of losing her devastated our already fractured family. We speak about anything and everything except how we felt. That was taboo. It was okay to laugh and be merry on happy occasions, but when we were hurting, we learned to swallow our pain and look the other way. It’s no wonder i grew up nonchalant. We hid our pain from the world. That’s how i survived until now.
Silence was my defense, but it was also a wall built on lies- a cover-up for emotions that make us vulnerable. Who wants to see that side of us at our lowest? I got used to it; I stayed quiet when I was hurting. I never talked about my feelings therefore; I failed to acknowledge them.
I did not know any better.
I only knew how to hide them. Live with them. To resolve them slowly, on my own. Sometimes, I got better-without no help from the outside. Most often, I ended up drained and yes, defeated. That’s putting it mildly. Through it all, I learned to swallow everything, hoping I would still be in one piece.
I did not know.
I did not know if people noticed. If not knowing gave them an excuse not to look at me at all. When I was crying out in pain, they didn’t hear me, or chose not to. If I shouted it to the world, would they hear me then?
I want you to hear me. But I don’t want you too close. I don’t want you to know, and yet I don’t want you to be blind.
I do not know.
How do I break this cycle? I have grown attuned to the silence.