The Black Hole

I’ve come back from the dead. Blame this on working all these years on nights- the graveyard shift, they say. It really is as they say. Not only was I asleep on hours normal people would ran their lives, I spent all my days on twilight zone. Yes, I couldn’t even dream the day away. I chose the night because it paid more. More importantly, it allowed me to balance being a mother, a wife, and a full time nurse. It paid the bills. I lived on that belief as my bible. Everyone around me turned out alright. I was dying everyday.

I woke up today feeling a little strange. I had long given up my night shifts and switched to days. A regular eight-to-four job. Five days a week. No weekends, no holidays perks- that took a load of burden off my shoulders. Or so i thought. There are others things I realize that were missing in my life. Days that provide no light for me, even if literally can see it everyday now, they do not offer what I craved for. I lived in Texas where the sun can shine its brightest. It can engulf you in its scorching, burning heat. So, still, I chose to lived indoors, in the cool shade of my home.

I work days now. I go to sleep like the rest of the world at nights. I am finally living like a normal person. I should feel alive, right?

I’m not.

I remembered vividly coming out of nightshift , walking out in the parking lot and out in the open blue sky was a rainbow so beautiful, so magnificent in its color. I felt like I witnessed a miracle right before my very eyes. My job carries heavy weight of caring for fragile lives, I’ve almost forgotten these little joys that’s still out there. A nice gentle breeze, a fresh breath of sunshine, a faint scent of flowers nearby, and the humming of the birds hidden, somewhere among the trees. These are things that remind me of the old days, my childhood, my youth, my care-free days. These were all from my past.

When did I stop looking outside? I was so busy just trying to survive the night, making sure my patients were alive just to come back next day, re-living the same set-up, over and over again. So many years it took from me. Living in that never ending cycle of life and death. I seriously felt there was no way out. It the same thing everywhere, everyday. Yup, no way out. So, I stayed in that hole. A hole I thought would be the end of me. I did not look anywhere else. Somehow, I remembered Miss Copolla’s smile, and I wanted to see that smile so badly. I’m a pretty simple-minded person. I decided to give up nights and work on days now. I thought I’ll see Miss Copolla again.

Not yet.

I walked outside today and saw the world. The world as it is. I walked my dog over a little piece of pond, covered with well-trimmed grass around it, with trimmed flowers and trees planted around the area. Picture-perfect. Yes, it is beautiful thing to see. I smelled the freshly scent of mowed grass. I also see how hard it is to keep this place like this. The hands that planted the plants, kept the place clean and heavenly. If only people were made that way, we would all be living happily right now.

I am still looking for a way out. Until then, I will keep looking for Miss Copolla.