Low productivity. Not meeting your quota. Coming to work covered with these curtains of doubt lining to trap you in its claws. Body is bone-tired. Emotions in turmoil. Yet still pretending to be brave walking through these doors. That’s what I feel like these days. Stress level to the max. Somehow, my path has led me here- to this empty, soulless abyss.
Work has taken more from my life than anything else in this world. My time with my family, my peace of mind- I lost those along the way. My dreams- it swallowed... Work didn’t take my weekends. It took birthdays. It took dinners. It took afternoons that belonged to my family. And even took the woman who once believed she would write books someday. My foolish self, cast aside and lost in the process. Now that I’m stuck here, in this hole, I want to find myself again. That self looking back at me with that cold, defeated look in her eyes. I barely recognized that person anymore.
“Endings are beginnings.”
Those words from a song kept playing in my mind, It is a love song but this here is not. This is the life that I chose as a way to live. Knowing what I know now, I would like to tell my younger self to be brave and defy the odds the world has lined up for her. My heart and my courage have led me only up to here. I maybe a little wiser now, but I still don’t know any better.
Honesty sucks that way. It’s brutal when it hits the mark. It is too bright. It is blinding sometimes. I wish though, that it would set me free. I would gladly move on and climb out of this hole of misery. The path I am on seems like a never-ending maze. The goal is not even mine to take. I am just a pawn, easily taken down and replaceable.
Have I really lost my way?
Have I really lost her?
Sailing in the unknown, to a land somewhere-maybe she’s been there waiting for me all this time.
I’ll keep swimming.
In the sea of doubt.
The road to freedom.
The road to her.